Wednesday, 23 January 2013

The Hen Commandments

No matter how understanding you think you are, there are certain things in life that are simply unforgivable. Murder, theft, adultery, coveting. You don't have to be Mother Theresa to realise that these are the major ethical no no's of our society, and while most of us would love to believe in karmic payback, there simply isn't enough guarantee. The laws of moral integrity have been set in stone since day one, so how come some people find it so difficult to comprehend and abide by them?

Fortunately the laws of sisterhood are far less convoluted and ambiguous than those featuring in Big J's little black book. In fact, the commandments of girl world are far simpler and easier to digest than any other. 1) Thou shalt not betray my trust; two; 2) Thou shalt not share or use any of my secrets against me; and last but most important, thou shalt not covet, sleep with, have impure thoughts of, cavort, flirt with, blow, brush up against, so much as even bat a drunk eyelid at any of my current or previous boyfriends. Although rules one and two can be forgiven sleeping with your bff's beau is just nasty and will result in a fate far worse than burning flames and tortured souls.   

But just how far does this golden rule stretch? True, sneaking around behind your friends back with a former lover is about as spineless and despicable as the mothers on Toddlers & Tiara's, but what happens when the man your friend is coveting is not necessarily in your possession? Is he still off limits? Does the golden rule extend to the guys we're crushing on as well even if they're clearly not that into you? Should we back off and remain true to our friends or do you risk taking a dangerous leap of faith for our own happiness?   

Serena and Mandy had been best friends since their first period together back in junior high. Although they were as different as chalk and cheese in every sense, these two bestie's were inseparable. Mandy was your typical hopeless romantic who believed in magic moments and slow motions while Serena had blossomed into an overnight siren, dripping with style, swag and sex appeal. She could have had anyone she wanted and did, including guys that were into Mandy. The things she had done were beyond wrong but somehow she managed to convince her bff that they were always the ones making the first move.

Mandy didn't care all that much so long as Serena didn't sink her venomous teeth into Danny Shield. Everyone knew that Mandy had it bad for Danny, and even though he was involved with someone else, she waited patiently, wishing and hoping that destiny would one day intervene, driving a wedge between them once and for all. She even went as far as dating his circle of friends one by one just so that she could remain close to him.

The gods were smiling down on Mandy the day that Danny and Val broke up. It seemed as though her perseverance had paid off. You can imagine her surprise the very next day when Danny called her up and invited her to join them for a drink at the club. Thrilled and overjoyed, she put on her Sunday bests and glammed up to the nines for the occasion. Tonight was the night that she would finally get to taste those sweet lips she had been dreaming of for the past two years. Tonight, true love would prevail and she would finally get her happily ever after...

It should have been predictable but perhaps Mandy was too euphoric to give it a second thought. What should have been the happiest moment of her twenty something life turned into her very worst nightmare. There in the beer garden sprawled across Danny's lap sat the queen of skank gnawing at her latest victim. "Hey girl", Serena called from across the way before turning back towards Danny devouring his face with her massive lips. "Ka-Pow!" Bitch went down head first into a face full of gravel. It could have easily turned into an episode of Jerry Springer but one swing is all it took to get the message across. This friendship was officially over.
Going after a guy you know your friend is crushing on is definitely an extension of the cardinal rule. It combines all three laws and breaks them all at once. Yes, in a perfect world we'd all be mature enough to realise that they'd probably make a far better couple than you and him ever would but until you get the green light directly from the horse's mouth, don't even think of crossing that line. In fact, never cross that line. I pity the she-devil who betrays her friend like that. Girls can be pretty mean when their hearts are on the line and just like a coven, they retaliate in packs. Before you know it, you'll end up with no friends and a bad rep that would make Judas look like a priest. 

When it comes to dishonouring the laws of sisterhood, is a life of eternal condemnation really worth it?

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