Wednesday, 29 April 2015

The Turkey Baster

Any cook worth her apron strings will tell you that in order to prepare a feast, you need to have all the right ingredients first. Whether you’re whipping up a tasty treat for two or simply simmering down after a long day at the office, the art of culinary genius requires a blend of skill, precision, technique and of course, perfect timing. Jamie Oliver and Youtube clips can only take us so far, but in order to achieve success, we need to have a dash of patience and one helluva of a plan. Whether you're a stranger to the home-cooked phenomenon or perhaps a self-proclaimed master chef, anyone who's ever flipped an egg before will tell you that the best results come from sticking to the recipe.

When it comes to serving a dish of happily ever after, the recipe seems so simple. Add one well-mannered, mature, gorgeous and mentally stable boy to one insatiable, funny, smart and driven girl until a relationship is formed. Once the relationship has settled, bind for about two to three years, kneading gently until a marriage is formed. Do not stir too hard. Let the marriage sizzle for about one to two years until it reaches optimum maturation. Whisk in a cup of hot, passionate sex and gradually combine with two to three kids. Mix in a lifetime of financial security, one medium to large sized house with a white picket fence and baste in happiness until death do you part. This recipe also works with same sex marriages. Simply substitute Step 5 with an adoption or surrogate agent.

But what happens when you get stuck along the way? When no matter how hard or how many times you try to stick to the fool-proof, non-stick plan, the end result always seems to flop? Timing may be everything when it comes to cooking but when it comes to life, there are only a certain amount of viable eggs that a girl can hold onto before the right man comes along. Should she deviate from traditional methods of conventional cooking and literally take matters into our own hands? Well if the Baker's man can...

If there was one thing that Dinny wanted most out of life, it was a child of her own. She had been in the dating game for nearly 36 years and decided that her Prince Channing had either died or met someone else along the way. This was not a void that she needed to fill but a calling, a right she felt entitled to. She wanted to take the next step in her chapter and she sure as hell wasn't going to let one missing ingredient take that away from her.

"I've been manting for about a year and a half now. Yeah, it's a diet free from all the dip-shit commitment phobes and men who can't seem to grow the hell up. I'm running out of time, Manni and the last thing I want is to be mistaken for my kids grandparent at his or her graduation ceremony. "We saved a seat for your grandma right up front." I want to walk my child down the aisle. Not hover or cruise down in a Segway. A woman such as myself doesn't need a man to make her dreams come true. I make my dreams come true. While a man is certainly nice to have in the inventory check list, the whole package is no longer essential."

Sacrebleu! Is it true? Have men become redundant? An obsolete ingredient when it comes to starting a family of your own? Is this the measure that women have been reduced to? 

And it seems as though AI procedures are no longer reserved for the reproductively challenged. It seems to have extended to the masses as a supply and demand item, quite apt for a society that thrives on instant gratification. Dinny went through thousands of potential donors until she finally found one that sparked her ovaries. As it turns out, the whole process was like online shopping. A catalogue of revolving donors all waiting to make Dinny's dreams come true. Simply select, hit defrost and apply judiciously with a turkey baster. Wait 15 - 45 minutes and voila, pregnant. Easy bake babies and instant parenthood.

"Of course it's a heavy decision. I'm catholic for Christ's sake. My family thinks I'm a lesbian and our priest thinks I'm possessed. I am pretty sure that I am going to get criticism about my child not having a stable father figure. I really don't care what the judges think anymore. I want a baby even if that means being a mother and father at the same time. Who knows. Maybe I'll meet Mr. Wonderful later on and add him to the mix but for now I'm happy with just me and bean. You see, some koeks crumble when they don't have it all by a certain age and so, they either give up or settle for mediocrity. Consider it like self-raising flour. Too fresh to flop."     

When it comes to placing a bun in the oven, and traditional methods no longer seem to do the trick, isn't it time we got a little creative? After all, aren't the true pioneer's those who add a little twist to the original recipe? Of course the results aren't always going to be successful but with a little patience, a killer medical aid and the right frame of mind, artificial insemination seems to be the only alternative for single ladies tired of waiting for the right man to come along...

When it comes to sticking to the original plan, even when the alternative provides a far more savory and satisfactory result, I couldn't help but wonder, are we all cooked?