Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Young Blood

The great Aaliyah once sang, "age ain't nothing but a number", and while it was rumored to have been written about her very public affair with a much older R. Kelly at the time, a fine line needs to be drawn between cradle snatching and dating someone within the legal age limit. We've come a long way since the nineties what with cougars, M.I.L.F's and yummy mummy's taking over the predatory roles that once belonged to men. Sisters are definitely doing it for themselves and while dating someone young enough to be your son has become more and more socially acceptable, there is still a heavy stigma around dating someone in the minor leagues.

It's in our nature to judge the desperate whore that throws herself at the youngest hottie at the local every Thursday night, or the sugar daddy who reminds you of a dirty uncle, fawning over some escort who seems surprisingly interested in what he has to say. Gold digger, paedophile, prostitute. We automatically assume the worst about people. Why is it so difficult to believe in relationships that roam where angels fear to tread? Is it because it goes against all our own conventional ideologies of love and dating or are we perhaps just a little bit jealous? You know the night's a bust when a forty-hot year old has out-drunk you ten shots to one and still manages to take home the guy just to prove she can. Is it the fear and pressure of being judged and ridiculed by our friends and family that prevents us from taking younger guys seriously?

"Divide your age in half and add nine. Anything younger than that and you can give them my number." Auntie Ava, who hated it whenever someone called her that, was an absolute legend. She was the uber-cougar before Courtney Cox even had a hit show, before Stifler's mom became the object of every young man's desire and before Stacey's mom had it going on. She was the type of matriarch that every boyfriend dreamed of; hot, flirtatious, shameless and the owner of a 2002 Softail Harley Davidson. She purred like a kitten and oh, the motorbike wasn't that bad either. 

She'd been going steady with Teddy for about six years now, a mechanical engineer who was just about twenty years younger than her. I was always intrigued by their relationship and for the sake of research, wanted to know more. Not being one to leave anything to the imagination, she proceeded to tell me about the many perks that came with dating a younger guy. "First there's the sex which is of course ten times better. A 27-year old can keep it coming much longer than a 50-year old can my darling. Plus you get to teach them all kinds of new tricks through your own experiences. They love it. It keeps them wanting more. I've not once had to fake a headache with this one."

"And then there's the independence. Younger guys don't get threatened by your success or your career objectives. In fact, they respect it and are a helluva lot more supportive than the older guys that I've been with. You can earn ten times more than he does and he won't think anything of it other than give you praise. There's none of that childish silent treatment that goes on for weeks because of his damaged ego or guilt hanging over you because of something you paid for out of your own pocket. "

But what about the emotional and psychological side? "Younger men are good for the mind and spirit because they keep you young and active all the time. They appreciate your maturity as much as your growing sense of adventure. I may be hitting menopause soon but I sure as hell don't feel like it. I've still got loads to do and I finally have the confidence to do it. Don't get me wrong, I've always been confident but even more so since I turned 30 when all that insecure bull in my twenties finally went away. If I was with an older man at my age, we'd be picking out matching bedpans and his and hers rocking chairs by now. That's not what older women want."

To all the haters out there who regard men and women like Ava as perverts or desperate singles trying to cling onto whatever shred of youth they have left, perhaps it's time you loosen your underwire? Dating someone who falls under a younger age category than you clearly has an upside, and feeling like you're 22 again can't be all that bad. Ignore adversity because someone is always going to put you down because of their own insecurities and judgements no matter where and what you do. Think of it like shopping for meat. Instead of  buying the same heavy grump steak, why not sample a little tender veal. It's much lighter that older cattle and definitely much lower in fat. You never know. You might just surprise yourself.

When it comes to dating someone minor, why is it always so major?

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

The Hen Commandments

No matter how understanding you think you are, there are certain things in life that are simply unforgivable. Murder, theft, adultery, coveting. You don't have to be Mother Theresa to realise that these are the major ethical no no's of our society, and while most of us would love to believe in karmic payback, there simply isn't enough guarantee. The laws of moral integrity have been set in stone since day one, so how come some people find it so difficult to comprehend and abide by them?

Fortunately the laws of sisterhood are far less convoluted and ambiguous than those featuring in Big J's little black book. In fact, the commandments of girl world are far simpler and easier to digest than any other. 1) Thou shalt not betray my trust; two; 2) Thou shalt not share or use any of my secrets against me; and last but most important, thou shalt not covet, sleep with, have impure thoughts of, cavort, flirt with, blow, brush up against, so much as even bat a drunk eyelid at any of my current or previous boyfriends. Although rules one and two can be forgiven sleeping with your bff's beau is just nasty and will result in a fate far worse than burning flames and tortured souls.   

But just how far does this golden rule stretch? True, sneaking around behind your friends back with a former lover is about as spineless and despicable as the mothers on Toddlers & Tiara's, but what happens when the man your friend is coveting is not necessarily in your possession? Is he still off limits? Does the golden rule extend to the guys we're crushing on as well even if they're clearly not that into you? Should we back off and remain true to our friends or do you risk taking a dangerous leap of faith for our own happiness?   

Serena and Mandy had been best friends since their first period together back in junior high. Although they were as different as chalk and cheese in every sense, these two bestie's were inseparable. Mandy was your typical hopeless romantic who believed in magic moments and slow motions while Serena had blossomed into an overnight siren, dripping with style, swag and sex appeal. She could have had anyone she wanted and did, including guys that were into Mandy. The things she had done were beyond wrong but somehow she managed to convince her bff that they were always the ones making the first move.

Mandy didn't care all that much so long as Serena didn't sink her venomous teeth into Danny Shield. Everyone knew that Mandy had it bad for Danny, and even though he was involved with someone else, she waited patiently, wishing and hoping that destiny would one day intervene, driving a wedge between them once and for all. She even went as far as dating his circle of friends one by one just so that she could remain close to him.

The gods were smiling down on Mandy the day that Danny and Val broke up. It seemed as though her perseverance had paid off. You can imagine her surprise the very next day when Danny called her up and invited her to join them for a drink at the club. Thrilled and overjoyed, she put on her Sunday bests and glammed up to the nines for the occasion. Tonight was the night that she would finally get to taste those sweet lips she had been dreaming of for the past two years. Tonight, true love would prevail and she would finally get her happily ever after...

It should have been predictable but perhaps Mandy was too euphoric to give it a second thought. What should have been the happiest moment of her twenty something life turned into her very worst nightmare. There in the beer garden sprawled across Danny's lap sat the queen of skank gnawing at her latest victim. "Hey girl", Serena called from across the way before turning back towards Danny devouring his face with her massive lips. "Ka-Pow!" Bitch went down head first into a face full of gravel. It could have easily turned into an episode of Jerry Springer but one swing is all it took to get the message across. This friendship was officially over.
Going after a guy you know your friend is crushing on is definitely an extension of the cardinal rule. It combines all three laws and breaks them all at once. Yes, in a perfect world we'd all be mature enough to realise that they'd probably make a far better couple than you and him ever would but until you get the green light directly from the horse's mouth, don't even think of crossing that line. In fact, never cross that line. I pity the she-devil who betrays her friend like that. Girls can be pretty mean when their hearts are on the line and just like a coven, they retaliate in packs. Before you know it, you'll end up with no friends and a bad rep that would make Judas look like a priest. 

When it comes to dishonouring the laws of sisterhood, is a life of eternal condemnation really worth it?

Thursday, 17 January 2013

The 30-Year old Virgin

When you type the word "virgin" into your search engine, the only immaculate conception you'll find is the one belonging to Mr. Richard Branson. Non-alcoholic beverages, mobile service providers and an iconic video of Madonna tramping around Venice in an 80's fashioned wedding gown are just a few more results that are bound to pop up. Let's face it, virginity is virtually lost in this day and age thanks to the amount of sexual imagery shoved in our faces on a daily basis. Temptation is everywhere from advertising and online sex tapes to billboard pin ups and scantily clad models promoting Calvin Klein undies. How on earth are we supposed to remain chaste when bad seems to be the new good?

As young female adolescents, you are warned about the dangers of premarital sex and the male delinquents who will stop at nothing to get a sneak peek at our forbidden fruit. It's a lesson that so many young ladies seem to fail to grasp from an early age, and while its easy to blame it on peer pressure and television, the truth is that girls are just as curious about sex as boys are. It's in our human nature to explore the human body and to lust over the same or opposite sex. Even modern day perceptions of Adam and Eve are sexually appealing.

But what about the good girls and boys who have managed to stick it out (or keep it in for that matter) all this time? The brothers and sisters of celibacy that make the rest of us feel and look like sluts in comparison? Are they hoping for a VIP pass into heaven while the rest of us whore our way to hell or do they honestly believe in waiting for that someone special? Surely experimentation and mild promiscuity has its benefits in the long run, particularly when it comes to the sexual satisfaction of your partner and yourself? Can virginity really exist in this era of voracity era and if so, how do they rise above? 

Marilyn was your typical playboy bunny in appearance. She was cute, blonde, bright eyed, double D'd and came with a personality as bubbly as a bottle of Graham Beck. Her sexual charisma was a force to be reckoned with, a power that successfully earned her many free drinks and loads of male attention. If there was a warm blooded male within a two meter radius, I can guarantee you that Marilyn would have turned his head. She was literally a walking centrefold, the human Barbie and the ultimate man magnet.

The surprising thing about Marilyn is that despite all of her sex appeal, she had never blown her skirt up for anyone. Don't get me wrong; she's certainly no prude and has had her fair share of fooling around but when it comes to going all the way, don't bother knocking on Marilyn's door. She's one of those frustrating people who strongly believe in no ding ding before the wedding ring; a moral that seemed to be so unrealistic to someone like me. Was the thirty year old virgin as delusional as the star she was named after or were her standards and morals something to be admired?

I had always been intrigued by her choice to remain celibate which made Marilyn one of the most interesting people I know. She knew it frustrated me and took joy in taunting me about it. Why on earth would anyone deny themselves the joy and pleasure that comes with being sexually active, especially when you're as hot as Marilyn? Was masturbation and cunnilingus really enough for her? Did she honestly believe that she would find a man who was okay with sexual abstinence? And what happens if the right man did come along but failed to satisfy her? Would the wait have been for nothing?

All these questions are usually met with "you gotta have faith, Ms. Bradshaw". I guess that's what makes Marilyn so special, the fact that she's a walking contradiction with a heart of gold and a soul full of faith. Perhaps I gave it up too soon but I have no regrets when it comes to sex. Some girls like it hot and that ain't bad. You can blame the world for moral decay as much as you like but at the end of the day it comes down to personal choice and decisions, and the willpower it takes to exercise that right.

When it comes to sexual abstinence, I couldn't help but wonder, is it really worth the wait?

Wednesday, 9 January 2013


At the beginning of each new year, we find ourselves in a state of personal renovation. No matter how big or how small the alteration, the new year's resolution is the ultimate in D.I.Y self-improvement. For most of us, it's about hitting the gym more often in order to shed the excess baggage gained over Christmas past while others may require a more dramatic, long-term overhaul. Whatever the case, a resolution is essentially about the brand new you, a reconstruction of the original blueprint where new goals and aspirations are designed to make you feel and be a better person.

If change is as good as a holiday then most of us are in need of a seriously long vacation. As human beings, we've somehow grown accustomed to hurting each other time and time again without even batting an eyelid. We seem to forget just how fragile we are and how certain words and actions, albeit intentional or in error, have consequences. Sometimes these fall outs are permanent and beyond absolution. It's apparent that resolution cannot exist without conflict but how did we get so stuck on the past? Resentment, anger, fear and self-loathing? How do we move onto better versions of ourselves if we keep clinging onto the experiences that hurt us the most?

A few years ago, Emma found out that her boyfriend of ten months had been living a double life. It was a shocking revelation, one that traumatised and tarnished several relationships along the way. Friends, family, women and children. Like a battlefield full of casualties, everyone seemed to be affected by the consequences of her boyfriend's action. Any normal girl would have just left and moved on with her life but in a surprise twist of character, Emma decided to stay and forgive him, not fully understanding what this tremendous feat entailed.

As the years went by, this particular boyfriend had been living in misery, a life he was willing to endure in order to prove his remorse. Despite going to regular sessions of psychotherapy, all his efforts to resolve the situation had been in vain. Every day was a living reminder of what he had done and of how he had hurt Emma, who in turn was not making the situation any easier. She had become a monster lashing out at anyone who had tried to help or offer support. For two and a half years, she would find any opportunity to rehash the past both publicly and in the privacy of their own home. It was almost as if she was hellbent on staying in the past.

Towards the end of last year, the relationship had gone from bad to worse. Her boyfriend was without work for a while and the self-inflicted stress and anxiety had started to physically manifest in Emma's body. She developed a minor arrhythmia and is now forced to take medication to calm her down. It took a Swedish masseuse she had never used before to talk some sense into her. "You're harbouring a lot of resentment. You need to let it go before you kill yourself."

Hearing the words come out of a perfect stranger's mouth is all it took for Emma to start making the mental adjustments she so desperately needed. In 2013, she made a the following let go of the things in the past and start living in the present. To accept situations she cannot change and rise above the anger it may cause. To see fault in her own retaliation and the large scale damage it had caused and, last but not least, to acknowledge the efforts of a man who had spent the past two years proving that he was truly sorry...

Sometimes words and actions are like bulldozers; if you decide to go forward, you're bound to destroy everything in sight. Once the structure of love and trust has been broken, there's no telling how long it will take to repair until the dust has completely settled. If you're lucky these relationships can be salvaged with a little bit of time, patience and a really good masseuse. Amnesty is not always the case and some damage is so irreparable that all you're left with are ruins and remains of what was before. Despite making every effort to ease the situation, it only takes one blow to destroy a perfectly good foundation.

When it comes to resolution, I couldn't help but wonder, are we all just under construction?