When you go from being a total whore with no self esteem to being in a relationship for more than two years, you need to find alternative ways of getting your kicks. Don't get me wrong, life on the right side of the picket fence is far from tedious. It even comes with its own melodrama from time to time. Still there is nothing more satisfying than engaging in a delicious drama or two, especially when the real life drama is being played out right in front of you. I couldn't help but wonder, who the fuck needs TV?
It had been a while since I hooked up with my gal pal Susan, so when she called me up for some casual coffee and salacious gossip, I jumped at the opportunity. The thing you need to know about Susan is that she is unlike your typical 26 year old. She's smart, stable and sexy and gets hard just talking about the Aston Martin she plans on owning one day, and even though she seems to have it all together, like so many of us, she has the uncanny ability of getting caught up in unnecessary relationship drama. As she lit up her fourth cigarette in the space of twenty minutes, I was pleased to hear that she had finally broken up with her psychotic, bipolar, closeted loser ex, Daniel. Finally she could move onto someone more worthy of her time and just as I thought things were looking up, she started telling me about Shane, Daniel's 30 year old house mate and friend with whom she had been cavorting with for the past 5 months. Enter Shane's insecure girlfriend and POW! Lights. Camera. Action!
"Men are like monkeys.'" she said. "They won't let go of one branch until they've got a firm hold on another." I could tell that Susan knew what she had to do and that no good could come out of her current situation and even though I advised her to walk away, she didn't. I won't lie, the voyeur in me was eager to see how this mini-series would unfold. Would Shane leave his girlfriend? Would the crazy ex find out and try to sabotage their affair? What if we flashed forward to five years from now? Would we find Shane cheating on Susan with Daniel? So many scandalous potential storylines were unraveling, each leading up to that final cliffhanger. The ratings were in. I was hooked. The suspense was killing me. What were the creators of this cleverly-crafted show planning next? I had to know...
SPOILER ALERT: Susan and Shane get caught outside Daniel's house doing the funky monkey. Daniel loses it and kicks Shane out of the house. Bonita, the clingy barely legal year-old, feels betrayed, losing her ability to trust another man again, possibly "ending her life". Susan, wrought with guilt, takes Shane under her wing where they live happily ever after...until the day Susan finds condoms in his wallet. Everybody knows she's on the pill. Life can be full of dramatic twists and turns, but here's the catch: you are your own scriptwriter, and while some plots are purely coincidental, others are painfully predictable. While some of us choose to avoid the drama in our own lives, it's extremely entertaining to witness the days of somebody else's life, especially when the viewer is living vicariously through the lives of the characters they've come to know and love.
When it comes to relationship drama, who calls the shots?