Thursday, 18 July 2013

Finger slip

Once upon a time, an enthusiastic assistant was instructed to type up a letter addressed to an organization called "Friends", a home that fostered children with learning disabilities as part of her company's 67 minutes of good will. She drafted the email and hit "send" before giving it a once-over, and patted herself on the back for what she thought was a brilliantly-crafted cover letter. She decided to reward herself with a cup of Earl Grey tea, but when she returned to her computer, she had noticed two new emails in her inbox; the one from her boss demanding an explanation for the prior, a livid response from the founder of "Friends" regarding her callous and insensitive remarks. She frantically scanned the email searching for any sign of disrespect she may have inferred. As she neared the bottom of her email, she was mortified to discover the faux pas in question: "We look forward to the visit next week. Kind retards, Anne."    

If a simple finger-slip could cost someone their reputation and internship, imagine what it could do to an orgasm. Whether you're engaging in light or heavy petting, technique is a crucial part of sexual relations, one that often involves a combination of skill, time, practice and communication. These days, most of us (especially men) seem to rush through sex as if it were a Comrades Marathon, a race to see who comes first. The need to blow their load into any hole willing enough to accommodate his throbbing manhood seems more important than discovery and mutual satisfaction which is sadly a loss for both parties. It's kind of like having an three-course gourmet meal; you can't really appreciate the main course without acknowledging the effort of the host's entree and starter... 

While oral stimulation seems to be first choice in most cases, most men seem to underestimate the simple yet sensual act of touch. A good fingering session requires skill and technique that you can only learn through communication. It has the power to fuel a woman's desire, especially when it's executed correctly. It's no mystery that women are far more giving and hospitable in general, especially if they are rubbed up the right way, so imagine the kind of mind-blowing sex that men could be having if they only learned to apply the basic pleasure principles to a woman's sexual needs. Are all men selfish and oblivious to such needs or are they just too timid to ask the one question every woman is dying to hear: how do you like it? 

Rose was a simple girl to please and did not require a lot of stimulation to get her off. She had become a major player in the big leagues and had noticed an alarming trend of men that failed to treat her Lady Labia with any kind of reverence. For Rose, there was nothing more off-putting than hooking up with a gorgeous guy who knew absolutely nothing about turning a woman on. She was both amazed and disturbed by the fact that the men she had been seeing of late were unwilling to give as good as they got and when they did, failed to perform even the simplest of tasks correctly.

"Do you know how many times I've had to fake an orgasm lately?" she said with that dead pan expression that only Rose could pull off. "I spend countless minutes sucking and bobbing, gagging and stroking, making sure that my teeth do not get in the way of his precious penis but when it comes to a little down time with my vagina, you'd swear it was Pandora's box." Rose had recently hooked up with a guy who was known for being a bit of a ladies man but whose reputation was far from being lived up to. They shacked up in a bathroom stall last weekend while she casually let his fingers do the walking through her yellow pages.

"My vagazzle has never felt more harassed in my life and I am quite sure that I am going to need a painkiller after this. It felt as if he had been excavating for diamonds or something, trying to shove his entire hand in as deeply and aggressively as possible. He completely misunderstood the assignment and my G-spot for that matter, and even though I tried to coach him through the process, which by the way, he did not take well, he was still doing it wrong!!! What is it with these guys because somebody seriously needs to set the record straight. The vagina is not that complicated to operate and when it comes to the ol' finger slip, less is most definitely more. No wonder he has multiple partners. They're probably all too scared to come back."    

You can't always rely on auto-correct to save the day especially when it comes to manual input. In order to master the sensual art of arousal you need to listen, communicate and tune into your partner's needs and desires. There's a big difference between good sex and great sex and while their are many different strokes for many different folks, taking the pace down a notch can earn you some serious brownie points in the boudoir. Props to the man who takes the time and initiative to give a little tit for tat but as for the rest, perhaps it's time that you stop, collaborate and listen.      

When it comes to second base, why do most men fail to hit a home run?

1 comment:

  1. Props to the ladies who know how to ask for what they want... and show their gentlemen what to do. They're not mindreaders :)