Monday 22 April 2013

Cock Idols

Thanks to the genius who coined the term, "the bigger the better", most men spend their lives feeling inadequate about the junk in their trunks. The difference between mice and men begins in the boy's locker room where the juvenile tradition of measuring one's penis determines the pecking order for the rest of his adolescent, and sometimes, adult life. Size has always been a sensitive topic, one that dictates a man's self-worth and self-esteem, and while a huge dick is usually on every warm-blooded male's wish list to God, just how important is it to women?   

Ten inch heels, five carat diamond rings and six figure bank accounts. Some things in life are undeniably better on the big screen, and while we're naturally drawn to the understated overstatement, I couldn't help but wonder whether the size of a man's penis was really that big a deal. Biology would have us believe not as it only takes about five inches of man sausage to do the trick (providing he has the moves to back it up), but like those crazy hairstyles of the eighties, some girls do indeed prefer em' big.

"Whoever said 'size is not important' or that 'it's how they use it that counts' clearly hasn't been knee deep in sand doing doggy-style with a micro-penis. I've had tampons bigger than this guy, and while size isn't the be-all-end-all for most girls, it definitely matters to me." Sam, who's personality was larger than life, preferred everything big, from her house in Camps Bay to the size of her endowment policies. As a high powered financial adviser, she worked with a lot of macho men and was permanently on crotch-watch. She believed that the vagina, as hospitable as it was, should only accommodate guests that would guarantee maximum satisfaction.

"Men are constantly aroused by big-breasted women and Kim Kardashian's ass, so why should we deny ourselves the same pleasures?" Sam may have been branded a greedy whore for wanting a man who was above average but at least she wasn't afraid to verbalise what so many of us are too shy to admit. "All those bitches are lying. If Sir Mix-a-lot was a woman, he'd be rapping, "I like big cock." You don't hear a girl coming back from a date saying, "oh yeah, he fucked me so hard with his average penis" do you? There's nothing more satisfying than taking a zip down trou to find a beautifully enormous package waiting to be unwrapped. It's like a Calzone."

While Sam's cocky confession may have been the unspoken truth, Charlz seemed to have another opinion on the matter. "Most of us are too afraid to voice our opinion because of the backlash it might cause with the opposite sex. Men associate their penis with masculinity, ego and power so to take that away from them would be like kicking them in the nuts repeatedly. The size issue is a BIG deal and matters more to them than it does to us. I've been satisfied with an average "thing" for a long time now. It doesn't matter to me as long as it's clean and doesn't have a hoody."  

While Sam and Charlz's continued their cock fight over tea and crumpets, I went in search of a male opinion. Julian, my gorgeous thirty something year old neighbor was straight, single and apparently extremely gifted below his handyman belt. "Dick size is all about the ego and pride of a man. No man wants to be average, in life or in his pants. A big cock is a sign of his prowess and manhood, a way to measure up against doctors, lawyers and other trust fund douche bags. The guys with the big wangs don't have to be dicks about it because they're genuinely confident. It's the cocky, arrogant fucks you've got to watch out for. Turns out the biggest cocks of all are usually the ones with the tiniest dicks."

Big ones, small ones, average-sized fatties. Some girls like their happy meal supersized while others find bite-sized portions more than sufficient. It all comes down to personal preference for girls, and if Miss Goldilocks taught us anything in life, it's never to settle for anything else than just right. Unfortunately for men, just right is simply not enough. You give 'em an inch and they want a mile. The greater the Gatsby the more adequate they feel about themselves and hence, their masculinity. Just when you thought girls were the only ones with insecurities, along comes this little gem to even the score.  

When it comes to penis envy, just how many men are hung up about size?   

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