Wednesday, 13 March 2013

The Pearl Necklace

It's been said that in order for a woman to keep her man interested, she has to be a lady in the street and a freak between the sheets. Any self-respecting woman worth her vagina knows this, and while men hate to admit it (to spare our feelings or more likely their own pitiful embarrassment), a girl's gotta submit and slut it up sometimes. No matter how hot you are or how long you've been in a monogamous relationship, boys will be always be boys and they will unfortunately always be pervs. Even though fate would bless the most undeserving of men with the most wonderful of women, the truth is that when it comes to sex, most men want one thing; a total prostitute.

It's no secret that the common male fantasy ranges between the busty blue-eyed blonde and the exotic bad girl brunette. Wet tee, butt-ass naked or writhing around in something tight and shiny with shades of slut-red lipstick smeared across her face, the Jenna Jamesons and Carmen Electras of this world are guaranteed to get the party started in his pants. What is it about these Playboy princesses that get our men so hot and bothered and why are they always named Nikki or Jessica? Is it their lack of inhibition or their super-sized labia that gets them so aroused? Or, is it the fact that the fantasy female will allow a man to have his way with her in any shape, form and how? 

While intimacy and emotional connectivity go a long way for women, that kind of vanilla crap just won't cut it for men. Lace, leather, latex and dirty talk. Role-playing, threesomes, expensive lingerie and voyeuristic pleasures. Just how much of a porn star do we need to be in order to satisfy a partner's sexual need to degrade, dominate and empower? Do men secretly want Jacky O's by day and Marilyn's by night? Happy birthday Mr. President, but what about those unsavoury fetishes that go beyond the call of duty? Golden showers, pearl necklaces, coprophilia and rainbow kisses? At what point does a sexual fantasy become a sexual perversion?

Klaus and Julie were a perfectly normal couple who had been going steady for more than four years. A few weeks ago, Klaus decided to pop the question in a grand gesture that involved a dozen white doves, a hot air balloon and a magnum of bubbles. Julie was of course beyond ecstatic and couldn't wait to celebrate the big announcement with her future bridesmaids-to-be in a piss up that neither one of them would ever (try as they might) forget. 

"You know how much crap I've put up with over the years?" she hiccuped, as she took another swig of her Graham Beck non-vintage brut Rose. "A lot!" Julie's bridesmaids all thought that the usually reserved and now severely inebriated July was just being figurative in her drunken slurs, but it turns out, she wasn't. Klaus's dirty little secret was about to be revealed. "It must be the German in him. It's sick right? At first it started off with him pinning me down and masturbating all over my, know." She leaned in closer, giggled ever so slightly and whispered, "Breasts!" For a girl who was used to pearl necklaces of another kind, this breaking news came as quite a shock.

"Then this one time he says he wants to try something new and different, and that I should keep my mind open. I thought he wanted a three-way but then when he told me what he wanted to do to me, I think I had a mini-stroke. He was super-embarrassed to tell me but I encouraged him and then we got to talking and somehow I became the human port-a-loo. It was so, so, so very disgusting but he really enjoyed it so I pretended to as well. It only happened this one time but he tries his luck every time we're drunk." Turns out that while Klaus had many shit habits, Julie had been dying to do some emotional dumping herself. Julie spent the night at a hotel with her maid of honour until she sobered up to face the reality of the previous night's sexpose.

While it's every woman's dream to be the single object of her man's lust and desire, Yasmine, Angel, Kelly and Samantha make it virtually impossible. A man's eye was made to wander and as long as he does not act upon the urge to stick it into anything that gives him the time of day, it's all good. Be grateful if a little slap and tickle or engaging in the occasional porno with your boyfriend is all it takes to keep his interests up. There are so many other weird and wonderful things that get people off that not even the skankiest of ho's would do. 

When it comes to satisfying a man's sexual fantasy, just how much of a whore are you willing to be? 

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