Resolution

At the beginning of each new year, we find ourselves in a state of personal renovation. No matter how big or how small the alteration, the new year's resolution is the ultimate in D.I.Y self-improvement. For most of us, it's about hitting the gym more often in order to shed the excess baggage gained over Christmas past while others may require a more dramatic, long-term overhaul. Whatever the case, a resolution is essentially about the brand new you, a reconstruction of the original blueprint where new goals and aspirations are designed to make you feel and be a better person.

If change is as good as a holiday then most of us are in need of a seriously long vacation. As human beings, we've somehow grown accustomed to hurting each other time and time again without even batting an eyelid. We seem to forget just how fragile we are and how certain words and actions, albeit intentional or in error, have consequences. Sometimes these fall outs are permanent and beyond absolution. It's apparent that resolution cannot exist without conflict but how did we get so stuck on the past? Resentment, anger, fear and self-loathing? How do we move onto better versions of ourselves if we keep clinging onto the experiences that hurt us the most?

A few years ago, Emma found out that her boyfriend of ten months had been living a double life. It was a shocking revelation, one that traumatised and tarnished several relationships along the way. Friends, family, women and children. Like a battlefield full of casualties, everyone seemed to be affected by the consequences of her boyfriend's action. Any normal girl would have just left and moved on with her life but in a surprise twist of character, Emma decided to stay and forgive him, not fully understanding what this tremendous feat entailed.

As the years went by, this particular boyfriend had been living in misery, a life he was willing to endure in order to prove his remorse. Despite going to regular sessions of psychotherapy, all his efforts to resolve the situation had been in vain. Every day was a living reminder of what he had done and of how he had hurt Emma, who in turn was not making the situation any easier. She had become a monster lashing out at anyone who had tried to help or offer support. For two and a half years, she would find any opportunity to rehash the past both publicly and in the privacy of their own home. It was almost as if she was hellbent on staying in the past.

Towards the end of last year, the relationship had gone from bad to worse. Her boyfriend was without work for a while and the self-inflicted stress and anxiety had started to physically manifest in Emma's body. She developed a minor arrhythmia and is now forced to take medication to calm her down. It took a Swedish masseuse she had never used before to talk some sense into her. "You're harbouring a lot of resentment. You need to let it go before you kill yourself."

Hearing the words come out of a perfect stranger's mouth is all it took for Emma to start making the mental adjustments she so desperately needed. In 2013, she made a the following resolutions...to let go of the things in the past and start living in the present. To accept situations she cannot change and rise above the anger it may cause. To see fault in her own retaliation and the large scale damage it had caused and, last but not least, to acknowledge the efforts of a man who had spent the past two years proving that he was truly sorry...

Sometimes words and actions are like bulldozers; if you decide to go forward, you're bound to destroy everything in sight. Once the structure of love and trust has been broken, there's no telling how long it will take to repair until the dust has completely settled. If you're lucky these relationships can be salvaged with a little bit of time, patience and a really good masseuse. Amnesty is not always the case and some damage is so irreparable that all you're left with are ruins and remains of what was before. Despite making every effort to ease the situation, it only takes one blow to destroy a perfectly good foundation.

When it comes to resolution, I couldn't help but wonder, are we all just under construction?

Stolen hearts

When you're living in a country as dangerous as South Africa, you're bound to fall victim to one of our many petty crimes sooner or later. No matter how breathtaking our picture perfect cities may be, we cannot escape the underlying malice that lurks beneath our beautiful nation. Hijackings, rape, daylight robbery and senseless shootings. We're constantly living in fear of being a target, especially when the criminal in question always seems to get away scot-free. What ever happened to "serve and protect"? Is it just another local legend? Had the good cops caught on and moved to Jo'burg? How on earth are we ever supposed to feel safe when the ones who are meant to protect us are also the ones committing the crime?

Having my cellphone stolen from right beneath my nose in the safety of my own work environment had proven to be a righteous pain in the ass. It wasn't the loss of the actual object that annoyed me but all that information - information that could have been retrieved if I had only known about Blackberry Protect. As if the violation of my privacy wasn't bad enough, I was left with the inconvenience of blacklisting, case numbers, insurances and all the other unnecessary admin that goes with being robbed.

As I watched the surveillance cameras play back the actions of my perpetrator, I started thinking about a different kind of crime. It is a fact that every ten minutes, another woman's heart is being stolen or broken into by some kind of smooth criminal. Although most of us are sensible enough to have some kind of security in place, spotting a thief or serial heartbreaker is not as easy as it looks. These cunning masterminds have a way of sneaking into our hearts by tapping into our innermost vulnerabilities and desires, saying all the right things a single girl needs to hear. While you're busy planning a future, he's busy planning his next heist. Before you know it, you're just another sad, angry, embittered casualty.

The story of Justice and her illegal immigrant was a typical case gone cold. After several disappointing relationships including a sandwich guy who was still in love with his ex-wife, Mr. Nyama and her emotionally abusive "ex-naai" of a boyfriend, Justice had finally met a man worth her while. She fell for his European charm over red wine one night when she was singing the blues at a downtown Jazz club. Although he was in a long term relationship with someone else, he was willing to call off his six-year relationship in order to pursue a romance with his newfound Nubian soulmate.

For once in her life, Justice had experienced and deserved the perks of being in a healthy relationship. I had never seen her so happy before. She revelled in the joy and the laughter, the communication and even the cheesy romantic gestures. She'd finally found someone that understood her and loved her for all that she was, not to mention the mind-blowing sex. Apparently, Mr. French had quite the baguette! Was it all too good to be true?

Sadly, yes. Eight months down the line, Justice had come face to face with the woman he left back in gay Paris. It turns out that he had not officially broken things off with her like he said he did and that they were actually engaged to be married. Instead of lashing out at the real attacker, Mademoiselle Billoncourt went head-to-head with Justice, publicly accusing her of being a home-wrecking whore. Justice was mortified and immediately ended things with Mr. French who, surprise surprise, was already hot in pursuit of his next victim. Case closed: It was murder by broken heart.

If breaking a woman's heart was punishable by law, there still wouldn't be a correctional facility big enough to hold all the callous criminals committing these heinous crimes. Deceit, infidelity, the inability to commit to one person. You never really know who you're sleeping with until it's too late. When love presents itself, it's probably best to believe in someone's innocence at least until they're proven guilty. You can take comfort in knowing that no matter how well they cover their tracks, the truth will always find a way of revealing itself and only then are we able to set our hearts free.  

When it comes to crimes of the heart, I couldn't help but wonder...will justice ever be served? 

Four play

As human beings we are conditioned to understand life according to certain polar opposites. From a very young age, we are programmed to make sense of the world based on a set of limitations and pre-defined ideologies. We are taught the differences between good and bad, right and wrong, black and white and hopefully one day, when we are wiser, the difference between sex and love. Some conventions, like relationships, should be as clear as day but there are some relationships that have progressed beyond the boundaries of conservative thinking.

No matter how open-minded or liberal we think we might be, understanding something as foreign as the open relationship has always been a difficult concept to grasp. The idea of loving more than one person, whether it's emotionally or just physically, threatens the very value on which relationships are built. Is it because it goes against everything we were brought up to believe in? Commitment, trust, fidelity, the "one". Is society perhaps a little too prudent and narrow-minded to fully comprehend the benefits of being in a sexually-liberating relationship or do most of us simply prefer the standards that come with tradition? 

It's extremely rare to come across an open relationship that works, which is why I was pleasantly surprised to find two that did. Samantha, who was notorious for being sexually adventurous, embraced the fact that she would never physically belong to one man only. She had been through them all...three ways, orgies, one night stands, four ways...the woman was practically a sexual intersection. We all knew that her relationship with sex was far too wonderful for anyone to pass up, which is why we were all shocked to meet the man that would one day become her fiance.

William was no stranger to Sam's promiscuity and had often been left hurt in the beginning stages of their relationship. After carefully ironing out the terms and conditions of their arrangement, William eventually succumbed to the idea that Sam would never be a one-man woman. He adapted to the situation which he eventually found mutually beneficial. He'd often take part in her many sexual exploits and learned to free himself from the constraints of traditional relationship dogma. Providing that he knew who and when and providing that it was only physical, William had learned to accept the things he could not change in his partner. They have been together for seven years.
     
Further downtown in the Gay Quarter, Seth and his boyfriend Ernie had also been involved in a progressive relationship for the past five years. Somehow it was far easier to accept this sort of behaviour from a gay relationship given the stereotypes placed upon them but I soon found out that it was no different from a heterosexual relationship. "Some people just have stronger sexual needs than others so we simply allow each other the freedom to explore that. We love each other to death and we'll always stay committed to one another, so what's the harm in indulging our sexual deviances together? We both love sex and this way neither of us are really cheating on each other? We've lasted longer than most relationships we know." 

Based on my own sex-capades, a three-way can go one of two ways: mutually satisfying or emotionally damaging. Fortunately, I was only ever the supporting role in a sexual performance, so I never really understood what the other two were feeling at the time...apart from me and each other that is. All I know is that that particular relationship ended shortly after and I had somehow earned an enemy for life. Was the key to an open relationship being able to separate one's primal urges from emotional dependency? How does one cut off the emotional strings attached to one's heart? Is it something our society is ready and willing to embrace or is it simply a practice reserved for sexual revolutionaries?       

When it comes to open relationships, I couldn't help but wonder, are we there yet? 

The Cost of Kids

Any mother worth her umbilical cord will tell you that having a baby is one of life's most wonderful and fulfilling experiences. To bring another human being into this world and to love them unconditionally for the rest of your life is nature's way of saying "Eve, you did good!" Despite the many life-changing events that follow when exercising one's maternal right, the pros of motherhood always seem to outweigh the cons even though the cons-list is considerably longer. Nausea, stretchmarks, weight gain, a lifetime of worry and concern, not to mention the end of social existence as we know it. It's enough to scare one into sterilisation. Does it take a certain kind of woman to embrace the joys and perils that come with being a mother or are certain sacrifices and penalties to be expected when you're expecting?

My older sister Alli had recently marked the fortieth anniversary of her life and had three beautiful children to show for it. Like most Catholic girls at the tender age of twenty, her first child was an immaculate conception. As glowing as she was, this unexpected arrival had cost her the freedom to experience those reckless self-discovery years that are absolutely vital to one's own personal development. Not wanting to disappoint the patriarchal leaders of our family, she decided to get married and declare baby Mickey a honeymoon blessing that would later be two months premature.

Ten years later, a worn-out Alli welcomed two more additions to our family, a little boy and a little girl. As the years went by, I got to see less and less of my sister who had transformed overnight  into a ball of stress and frustration. Her weeknights were reserved for PTA meetings and extra-curricular school activities while her weekends were spent ironing, cleaning, shopping and tending to sickly children. A day with the girls inevitably turned into a play date at Jimmy's Jungle and everything else had to be planned months in advance. What had happened to my darling sister? Had she sacrificed her own identity for the sake of her children? While I am sure that twenty years of being a mother without a single day off had its rewards, I couldn't help but wonder whether my sister was genuinely happy or in desperate need of some serious "me time"? 

A few weeks ago, I met a fabulous 45 year-old from Zimbabwe. Her name was Carrie and she was a dress-maker, entrepreneur and proud mother of four. Her first pregnancy was an absolute breeze but by the time she had her fourth child, her body had been through some significant changes. She  decided that it was time to have a little nip and tuck, so got on a plane to Cape Town where she met the surgeon of her dreams. His work was flawless. He performed a tummy tuck, some liposuction, a breast reduction, a minor facelift, a couple of fillers and a little bo just to top it all off. R120 000 and eight kilograms later, Carrie was transformed into a brand new woman and she looked great. "As much as I worship the ground my children walk on, the last one really ruined my body for life so I figured it was time to do something about getting my confidence back."    

Kirstin and Rodney were always the life of the party. They were rock stars in every sense and true legends in their own right. Whether they were competing in the nasal Olympics of Colombia or just kicking it back with Johnny, Jose, Jim and Jack, Kirstin and Rodney would always be the last ones standing. I was shocked to hear that Kirstin had managed to fall pregnant and even more shocked to see her maternal side kick in at a recent house party. I watched in utter amazement as Kirstin and Rodney followed their little monkey around everywhere, taking turns to feed him and love him, keep him entertained and more importantly to keep him out of harm's way. And then the unthinkable happened. They left before 7pm.   

Sanity, time, money, identity, lack of social life, sleepless nights and sacrifice, spontaneity, physical and personality lobotomies. These are just a few things to consider when having a child of your own. Don't kid yourself, when that biological clock stops ticking it will change you in every way imaginable. The good news is that it's all apparently worth it. It brings you a different kind of happiness, one that you can only experience when you become a parent yourself. I hear that it happens the moment you hear those tiny little heartbeats beeping back at you from the ultrasound or perhaps it's the first time you get side-kicked by a little ninja-foetus. Whatever the case, the product is always unconditional love combined with an overwhelming sense to protect the mini-you at any cost.  

The cost of child birth: priceless.

Cheaters SA

Somewhere between my first heartbreak and the early noughties, I fell in love with a man named Joey Greco. He was everything you could ask for in a man...straight, sexy, smart but above all, on television. I remember how my eyes would light up every time Bongani Njoli rambunctiously announced the start of his weekly show. His sword was a hand-held camera and his shield, a bunch of burly film crew. I watched in amazement as he gallantly swept in on his moral high horse, publicly humiliating and busting the rat bastard men and women who cheat on their spouses and long-term partners. As scandalous as it may be, it had to be the most satisfying and entertaining reality TV show to anyone suffering from the effects of being in an unfaithful relationship.

Let's face it, long gone are the days where cheating meant skimming the answers off of some unsuspecting brainiac in order to pass a test that we were too lazy to study for. It has a far more sinister meaning when it comes to relationships, one that involves pain, dishonesty, manipulation and exploitation of trust. The game may have changed but the objective is still the same; to achieve a desired goal by some immoral means. And it seems to be a growing trend, one that has become as socially acceptable as Crocs or Justin Bieber with up to 60% of married individuals secretly engaged in extra-martial activities. That doesn't even account for the infidelity that goes on in long-term relationships and same-sex civil partnerships. Is fidelity on the verge of extinction?

It's a question as old as who killed Kennedy, a tragedy that no-one will ever fully comprehend. Why do people cheat when it causes such pain? Are we all sadists or is there some kind of thrill that comes with living a double, sometimes triple life? It's far easier to understand why men do it. They are after all genetically programmed to stick their dicks into anything that gives them the time of day anyway, right? But what about women who cheat? What's their motivation? Can women cheat like men do, for pure physical satisfaction or does there have to be some kind of emotional reason? I couldn't help but wonder...

Miranda and I were catching up over a much needed glass of wine recently when the topic of cheating came up. According to Miranda, the world is made up of two kinds of people: serial cheaters and right wing anti-cheaters. She proceeded to tell me about Nina, a family friend that had recently filed for divorce. Nina had been exposed to infidelity from an early age having witnessed her own mother's affair with a married man that happened to be her father's best friend. The affair eventually led to the subsequent failure of her parents marriage, an event that had left Nina emotionally and psychological shaken for a very long time. To make matters worse, she relived a similar situation a few years later when she came home to find her partner of five years in bed with another woman.

It took ages before Nina could trust anyone again but eventually she did and was now married to the father of her two beautiful children. Her marriage, like any other marriage, was far from perfect but for once she seemed to be in a happy, healthy relationship. It's hard to believe that Nina would one day follow in her mother's footsteps especially after all the psychological damage infidelity had caused her.

There were only a few people that knew the severity of Nina's cheating ways. Rumour has it that she had been cheating on her husband right from the get-go and had recently struck up affair number four with a married co-worker. There were even questions surrounding the paternity of her second child, another surprise her soon-to-be-ex is yet to unravel. She was eventually caught out and had decided it best to end her ten year marriage before matters got worse. Was Nina just another serial cheater destined to cheat over and over again or were there deeper issues from her childhood that had never been dealt with that had fucked up her chances of ever being faithful?

We all have our reasons for cheating on a loved one. Sometimes it's a once-off mistake and sometimes it's an actual habit. Being a one time cheater and multiple cheatee myself, I can personally say that there is no act more cowardly and damaging than cheating on someone that loves you with their entire being. It's a no win situation especially when there are children involved. The guilt, the clap, the karma. It will eventually catch up with you, so unless you are willing to live with that for the rest of your life, it simply isn't worth it.

When it comes to fidelity, has our moral compass gone South?



 

The Service Plan

There are a handful of firsts in every girl's life that she will never forget. The first time she gets kissed, the first time she falls in love, the first time she has great sex and the first time she gets behind the wheel. There's no greater sense of freedom than the one that comes with hitting the open road in a brand new car especially if the car in question is officially yours. It's the ultimate accessory, a beacon of  independence and liberation, a gateway to never-ending adventures where speed, loud music and the wind in your hair are all just a key-turn away.

Sadly, the novelty of owning a car can wear off just as quickly as the vehicle's value. Forget what the hunky salesman tells you, no car was built for a lifetime. The cost and energy spent on routine maintenance can be altogether exhausting especially when you don't have a solid warranty plan in place. And even then you're screwed, what with all those limitations that go hand in hand with the manufacturer's manifesto. There's always some kind of catch. I'm sure the late, great Isabel Jones would agree with me when I say that half the warranties these days aren't even worth the paper they're printed on. 

My own frustrations with Carrie the Tata-mobile got me thinking about service plans and warranties and its relation to long-term relationships. The thrill of being in a brand new relationship can be just as exhilarating especially if you've been searching the market for a while. There's no greater feeling than that spark and  chemistry that comes with falling in love, not to mention the new smell and va-va-vroom that goes with the ride. But what happens when a relationship reaches a certain mileage point? What happens when the most crucial parts of a relationship start falling to pieces? Trust, passion, communication. Do long-term relationships need some kind of service plan in order to survive, and if so, where does one begin to find a mechanic skilled enough to take on such an incredible feat?

Nikaela and Giles were just days away from celebrating their three year anniversary. Instead of splashing out on some fabulous weekend away, they had decided to go for couples therapy after a severe break down in their fragile relationship. Right from the very beginning, "Gikaela" had been everybody's favorite couple. They got on well with everyone, had sex for days and their affection for one another was seriously painful to the single eye. One day, Giles had done the unthinkable and cheated on Nikaela. It would have been one thing if it were some unknown slag in a bar but like the story often goes, it was a case of the ex. What's worse is that he had kept this from her for the first ten months of their relationship, a betrayal that Nikaela stupidly chose to live with for the next two years of her life.

Instead of returning this faulty man back to her dealership, Nikaela had decided to forgive him and take matters into her own hands. The anger and resentment had already reached boiling point so Nikaela devised a service plan for their relationship, one that incorporated lots of raw communication under the objective guidance of a couples counsellor. The process was designed to repair the damage that had not been seen to back in 2010. Even though the most rational answer was staring them in the face, neither of them wanted to trade in just yet. Instead, they decided to spend every Friday afternoon in hourly workshops taking apart the pieces of their broken relationship in order to salvage the vehicle of their love.    

You cannot avoid the unexpected breakdowns and electrical malfunctions that come with being in a relationship. As frustrating as it may be, we need to accept that there are certain things in life that don't come with a warranty. Trust is not something you can fix on your own so seeking the help of a professional love mechanic may just be all it takes to get that spark back on track. And then there are times when the damage done is way beyond repair. Either way, you need to be prepared for the worst possible outcome, that a relationship may just be a complete write off.    

When it comes to long-term relationships, do we need to disconnect in order to reconnect?

Bye bipolar

Why is it that whenever we go through a particularly difficult time in our lives someone automatically thinks we're bi-polar and in need of happy pills? In this Prozac nation full of Pfizer babies, it's much easier to cry depression than it is to man up and deal with the problem at hand. Instead we choose to pump ourselves full of mood stabilizers in hopes of curing some kind of chemical imbalance, a hypothesis that was coincidentally discovered during the same time as the pharmaceutical boom of the 1950's. Has our generation really become that quick to buckle or are some of us just better-equipped to deal with the highs and lows of this rollercoaster called life than others?

As I sat in the doctor's room waiting for my diagnosis to come through, I started thinking about commitment and the mental strength it takes to love someone on a permanent basis. A long-term relationship, and a marriage in particular, is the ultimate indication of love, one that was designed to test our emotional fortitude. It comes with a number of extreme contradictions that become even more intense the longer we stay in a particular relationship. Pain, joy, happiness, resentment. Everything is amplified. We love them the one day and we hate them the next. Was love also bi-polar and if so how do we overcome the negative side effects without any form of medication? Do we simply give up and declare the relationship emotionally unstable or do we fight the symptoms before they become critical?

My dearest English friend Anabelle had lived a very full and independent life before she eventually settled down and got married at the age of 40. It was quite an adjustment going from single international tour operator to working super-wife and mother of two. In eight short years Anabelle had learned how to juggle the various roles in her life, a feat that was not easy to accomplish considering the premature cracks in her marriage. She'd conquered rumors of infidelity, insolvency as well as a number of physical complications that could have ended her husbands life sooner than she had hoped for.

Despite all the drama, Anabelle always seemed to remain calm. At first I thought it was because she was British but I had soon discovered that the key to Anabelle's success was not self-medication but a little relationship tool called diplomacy. She had successfully managed to perfect the art of negotiation between any two opposing thoughts, ideas and feelings to the point where all parties involved were able to reach an amicable and mutual decision. "There were many times that I thought of divorcing Reggie and sometimes I find myself resenting him for things that have happened in the past but at the end of the day, if you still love someone and choose to be with them, you'll  find a way of making things work."

Had Anabelle come up with some kind of "relationship prognosis"? Were conciliation and communication the natural endorphins needed to overcome the emotional imbalance in one's relationship?

My own relationship had recently gone through a state of clinical depression and I was just about ready to raise the white flag on love for good. Instead of confronting the problems in our relationship, Aiden and I decided to avoid each completely. This unhealthy approach went on for days until the suppression finally turned into a full-blown shit storm. Things were thrown and harsh words were spoken. I was furious, he was hurt. It all became a little schizophrenic but by the end of the day, we had reached a mutual understanding and respect for one another, and peace had finally been restored to our three year relationship. They don't call it crazy stupid love for nothing.

There seems to be a quick-fix pill for everything these days, guaranteed to bring eternal sunshine to any spotless mind. I wouldn't be surprised if some lab had already found a way of curing the downsides of being in a relationship. Imagine how well that would go down. Until then, we have to make mental adjustments and put a little effort into making something worthwhile work. Despite all of love's trials and tribulations, you know you've struck gold when you find a relationship able to withstand the most manic of situations. Hold onto the man that will love you for better or worse, for richer and poorer and in mental illness and in health.

When it comes to commitment, I couldn't help but wonder, are we all a little mad?